Insa’s Diary – February 2001

Insa’s Diary – Feb 2001

(The next few diary notes were in a book that I found clearing up her hospital baggage)

1st February
Woke up to a right leg swollen to twice its actual size. Called Doc Wallace who is heartily confused by the leg, palpitations and a completely normal blood pressure. He sends for an ambulance to the Western Infirmary. It’s late and well crowded but the banter is hilarious! A&E take me in and put mum in the waiting room (with friendly helpers inc a german doc). They take my blood, urine, more blood. I get injections, x-rays of lumber spine and chest. I’m told my combination of symptoms could mean two things : a clot in the leg and a clot in the lung or a clot in the leg and an infection in the lung. They’ll take the tests to the lab and give antibiotics to see if the lung improves.

2nd February
Sleepless night almost through Elspeths talking. Quite of hours but by special permission Stewart & mum are let in. Stewart is crying, my poor wee baby! Man says that it’s most likely an infection. Mum & Stewart turn up again to cheer me up immensely. So now, Big Fu**ing bombshell. I don’t have a blood clot in my leg – I have an unidentified but quite potentially cancerous “mass” pushing down and blocking a vein. Private room tonight apparently. I AM SO TERRIFIED! WHAT IF IT’S CANCER? I DON’T WANT CANCER! HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON?

Oh where are mum and Stewart? Oh god, and how will they feel when they are told that I might be so much more seroiusly ill than first suspected? Please come here and cry with me, and start praying, it could just be a very rare mass of some sort. Othopedics never found anything unusual. HELP ME. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME! I DON’T WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE AND BE WITH MY STEWART AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS AND WRITE BOOKS! PLEASE LET ME SURVIVE THIS, OH GODS I HAVE TO SURVIVE THIS! I’VE GOT TO! I’VE GOT TO! I’VE GOT TO! LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!

3rd February
New visitor : Gail. Everyone is being so nice, just spending day chatting. Doc Gillian helps rearrange mum’s flight by letter. Mum stays – I got some sleep too.

4th February
As above. They decide to move me to the cancer ward. Oh it’s all fancy equipment & crap, but the staff are nowhere near as nice. A new matress to relieve my pain? Oh no, we can’t do that – we need an assessment first – a F**king assessment. Well not all the staff are bad. When I just couldn’t get to sleep Dione stayed with me and talked to me for ages.

(Insa never wrote in her dairy again until we got the laptop – during the next while she got critical and pulled through. The Doctors had given 5 days to live on 14th February and we got her Dad over from Germany. Her notes continue when she started to get better.